I’ve largely ignored this blog and haven’t had a desire to go back and read my entries from those early days. It’s still hard to believe.
I did submit a little write up which is more “blog entry” material for my Listening Hearts newsletter recently and figured this might be a good place to house it. Maybe I need to write more? It helps and the dark days of December are approaching.
Here it is:
As I write this in late October, those unwelcome guests who occupy my mind, anxiety and dread, have already started unpacking and setting up house for their annual visit. The “hap-happiest time of the year” is a myth for those of us who have buried a child no matter how many years pass. If I were really honest, December wasn’t always that happy anyhow…. perhaps here and there of course; the music, lights, smell, food, celebrating Christ’s birth….in truth I assumed responsibility to create a perfect Norman Rockwell image – exquisite meals, gifts to be cherished, a glittery tree… the list is endless. Note: “exquisite meals” is still part of my own myth, but it was good eats!
My sweet Carson arrived on December 31, 1990 on the day of a blue moon. I had a knowing even before he arrived that he was special and confirmed the moment I held him. He skidded off a sleet slick road on the evening of December 1, 2008 just a few weeks shy of his eighteenth birthday. He suffered a traumatic brain injury and died the next morning.
The world still turns, the sun still rises and shines and five years later, I am still breathing. In many ways I feel frozen in time, the time before that phone call. In other ways my life is so very different. Did I ever think life could look like this? I will say I have many unanticipated blessings – I find this a remarkable declaration. The tragedy has led me to redefine my values and what is important (and what’s not). New friends have come into my life – the term “friends” really seems shallow, these are real souls brought to me with purpose. Some old friendships have deepened, others have slipped away. Life is full of ebbs and flows naturally, and only now am I fully aware of this.
I left a career I was no longer interested in anyway. I left a house that was more than I needed. A lengthy romantic relationship ended, although in truth, it had been over for quite some time before my tragedy. I got a dog. I have a hobby, several, for the first time. I no longer feel responsible for everybody and everything. I don’t have to be right ALL the time. I practice Reiki and meditate. I have an enlightened spirituality I never knew before. I express gratitude with intention. I rarely worry anymore, quite a shift. I have no fear of my own death. I don’t ask “why” all day and every day, only from time to time.
Would I change it if I could? Of course I would but I can’t. I imagine this is what the books call acceptance. Life is not all rainbows and glitter but after five years I am grateful for both the blessings in my life as well as the ability to recognize them. I pray your journey leads you to exactly where you are meant to be.