It has been forever since I have publicly journaled. Mainly I believe I have been coping and functioning as well as can be expected. Until the last couple of weeks. I believe I hit bottom this week when I became sick with a stomach thing… feeling rotten physically makes the depression worse, and really, too much time to think and dwell on what I cannot change. The gravity of my loss is so heavy. For a time I felt Carson was coming back, I was just waiting for him to come back. The biting reality is sinking in now, and I miss the days of waiting.
My therapist Linda was able to work me in today as I know I am once again stuck in a bad spot. I haven’t felt a great need to see her for a few months now. She does help me understand what I need to think about doing; I answered that question on my own so I’m not sure why it takes a therapist to spoon feed it back for me to “get it”. I always need something to look forward to… I have a few things but I need something big to look forward to. The dread I feel as another season ends and another first begins is overwhelming, as is the dread of dealing with the one year anniversary. Much of this is causing this complete despair I feel. Days are getting shorter… leaves will begin falling.
The hardest part I believe… I really felt I was making progress in the right direction and this deep-dive has left me feeling shaky and unsure that I can go on. One step forward and what seems like a hundred backward. I have a great circle of supportive friends and family, a great job with the best people you will find anywhere… and despite all this, it’s just not enough and that stings as well. I am grateful for all of this yet feel guilty that it’s just not enough. I am surrounded by loving and caring people who want nothing more than for me to be ok. And how helpless I know they all feel… at what point will they give up? My closest circle both family and friends are natural caretakers… how frustrating for them.
So what’s next… well I see the check-up-from-the-neck-up doctor next week…. he will likely want to increase my meds (he wanted to last visit and I refused… I suppose I should learn to trust him a little better but I am so guarded). I have plans for a dear friend to come visit in October, my sweet Marcia from Montgomery. And I’m considering a beach trip. Not sure how to cram all of that into October but I know I need a change of scenery. Linda reminded me I need to make plans of what I can do or contribute in Carson’s honor… even if I do not have the strength now, just planning and having ideas when that time comes is a positive step. I am glad I saw her today… I still have such heaviness but feel less stuck.
Reneau – You will forever continue to be surrounded in person and in thoughts and prayers of us who love you. We will never give up and we are not frustrated. While we really don’t know what you are going through, we do know how very much you love your boys. May God bless and comfort you. I love you, my friend. Thank you for writing and sharing with us.
We love and support to the best of our ability you, Grant and Carson’s memory, and want only for you to find some peace. The last tear will never be shed for Carson, just as our love for you, Grant and LE will never dim.
Help us help you.
Ron
Reneau – Just wanted to tell you how much I love you.. I read and re-read your website alot. Hope you have a safe trip to the beach and wish I could join you. Was so good to see you yesterday too. Love you with all my loving heart.. xoxoxo
Dear Reneau, I was reading your last posting and it breaks my heart and not knowing what I can do to help you. Now your back from the beach and facing Carson’s 1 yr. anniversary. Please know your not alone, not just me, but all your many friends and family are here for you. Especailly this month we will all help you get through.
I love you so much and pray for you daily…..
PJ