It has been forever since I have publicly journaled. Mainly I believe I have been coping and functioning as well as can be expected. Until the last couple of weeks. I believe I hit bottom this week when I became sick with a stomach thing… feeling rotten physically makes the depression worse, and really, too much time to think and dwell on what I cannot change. The gravity of my loss is so heavy. For a time I felt Carson was coming back, I was just waiting for him to come back. The biting reality is sinking in now, and I miss the days of waiting.
My therapist Linda was able to work me in today as I know I am once again stuck in a bad spot. I haven’t felt a great need to see her for a few months now. She does help me understand what I need to think about doing; I answered that question on my own so I’m not sure why it takes a therapist to spoon feed it back for me to “get it”. I always need something to look forward to… I have a few things but I need something big to look forward to. The dread I feel as another season ends and another first begins is overwhelming, as is the dread of dealing with the one year anniversary. Much of this is causing this complete despair I feel. Days are getting shorter… leaves will begin falling.
The hardest part I believe… I really felt I was making progress in the right direction and this deep-dive has left me feeling shaky and unsure that I can go on. One step forward and what seems like a hundred backward. I have a great circle of supportive friends and family, a great job with the best people you will find anywhere… and despite all this, it’s just not enough and that stings as well. I am grateful for all of this yet feel guilty that it’s just not enough. I am surrounded by loving and caring people who want nothing more than for me to be ok. And how helpless I know they all feel… at what point will they give up? My closest circle both family and friends are natural caretakers… how frustrating for them.
So what’s next… well I see the check-up-from-the-neck-up doctor next week…. he will likely want to increase my meds (he wanted to last visit and I refused… I suppose I should learn to trust him a little better but I am so guarded). I have plans for a dear friend to come visit in October, my sweet Marcia from Montgomery. And I’m considering a beach trip. Not sure how to cram all of that into October but I know I need a change of scenery. Linda reminded me I need to make plans of what I can do or contribute in Carson’s honor… even if I do not have the strength now, just planning and having ideas when that time comes is a positive step. I am glad I saw her today… I still have such heaviness but feel less stuck.
December Air 