I do write less, don’t I? It is because I am tired most the time and my time is mostly dictated by work and the new dog. Grant and I went puppy shopping several weeks ago and I’m the one who ended up with a dog… she’s 10 months old so technically still a pup but came trained, spayed and understanding basic commands. Her mom was a lab and her dad was some sort of terrier and she looks more terrier. She is very sweet but demands my time when I am home. She has been good to have around though, a little distraction for all of us, and something to focus on with our obedience classes. I enrolled her immediately, and she is the worst-behaved doggy in class. She’ll learn, I think she is doing quite well to be young and in a new home. You would think I brought a new-born home, she has been showered with gifts from near and far, it’s really pretty funny… I have many dog-loving friends, and I think they are glad I finally broke out of my “cat person” mold.
I had the pencil sketch of Carson framed and picked that up last week. I cry each time I look at it; the artist did an amazing job with the sketch, and it is as if I am looking at him. I have not decided where to hang it just yet-I have such a hard time making a decision about most anything. Anyhow I’ll include here, the photo doesn’t do it justice.
I am pleased with it and grateful to a family friend who sent along a cash gift which I used to cover the cost of the sketch and most of the framing.
I was also presented with a lovely 16 x 20 senior portrait, also framed, by Carson’s guidance counselor and principal. Very thoughtful, everyone at Farragut has been very kind. I suppose I am fortunate that I never got to know the principals at Farragut since the boys always managed to stay out of trouble… probably a good thing to not be familiar with the principal.
I have had a very hard day today, it started out bad and has drained me. I did go to work albeit late, I could not move this morning and very weepy. It’s hard to explain, it’s not as if I feel ill but more like dead and lifeless at times. It started on Sunday and seemed to nosedive when I woke up this morning.
Since Sunday was Easter, I figured maybe it was the holiday although this holiday wasn’t a particularly big deal for us other than the fun with dying eggs or setting out baskets when my boys were small, and then as they became older I always like to get a big chocolate bunny for each of them. I also attended my second Compassionate Friends meeting that afternoon, and it drained me. It’s a wonderful international organization, and the local chapter leaders are very kind and caring people who have also lost a child. I’m just not certain it is where I need to be – they encourage us to attend at least three meetings before forming an opinion and I should try. Sheldon has attended both times with me, and even he felt it was a little depressing. It may not be the right time either, or even the right place for me. I wouldn’t discourage anyone for going as decidedly we grieving parents all have different needs at different times. In the evening we went to Ron and Norma’s for a lovely ham dinner but I still felt I had no energy to fully enjoy it. I love being with family and especially the nephews but Carson’s absence, as well as my dad’s, always stings worse at such gatherings. I swing between wanting to be surrounded by family and wanting to just be alone.
The weekend before was my second “Listening Hearts” gathering; this is the bereaved mother’s group that was started by Debra and is a group of about nine of us. We have all lost sons and we are all similar in age. It’s really the only place I feel somewhat “normal” or that no matter what I say, I don’t worry it will make someone uncomfortable. In fact, I find myself not really thinking about what I say at all so it is one of the few effortless places for me to be. All of us know the same pain, even if we grieve in our own ways, we have commonality too. These are women I feel will be always in my life somewhere. We are able to laugh and cry and it’s ok. We made lovely flower arrangements – there is a craft activity of some kind each time and it’s relaxing to work on something and enjoying the sisterhood. It’s a sad sorority to belong to but it does bring comfort. Sweet Ruby took my flowers to the site of the accident as it only has a cross memorial now; she lives up that way and has offered to decorate for me. I was afraid to take the flowers to the cemetery since it is now mowing season and with no marker and vase, concerned they would be tossed out in order to mow.
Debra coordinated and led a beautiful spring ceremony – we were asked to bring a cup or two of dirt from a place that was special to our child. I brought a bag of dirt from out by the ditch by where little kitten is buried. There was a lovely reading and then each of us went up and shared a story (or not), a song, a poem…. whatever we wanted to say or do. All of our dirt was mixed together in honor of our cherished sons… small pots and seeds were provided so that we could each have a small part of our sons’ to take with us, their memories and shared stories. It was a special time, made special by each woman there. Beautiful Katie later played her bagpipes for us, she is taking lessons, very musically gifted as was her son and her living son. Who doesn’t love a bagpipe? I don’t think I had ever heard bagpipes played “live” either, loved every minute. Writing about this event is already making me feel better and not quite as dead.
I am hoping to wake up tomorrow feeling better. I have the increasing dread of graduation approaching and that weighs on me… between all the ads and the mail that comes for Carson from colleges, tuxedo rental places, insurance offers it’s really very painful. No college, no prom, no graduation.
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