Remembering Carson on Mother’s Day

It has been a weepy day for me being mother’s day as well as baccalaureate for Farragut High Class of ’09.  It’s been a rough last week or two for me, very anxious.  Chronically sad.  Still asking how could this have happened?  I feel very much like the walking dead… the spirit is dead but the body continues to live somehow.  Stuck in the same place, like purgatory.  The same images continue to flash through my mind and memory, but about a week ago I saw Carson as a little boy again.  Sure I see the photos of him but in my mind I’m unable to see him other than those last few hours.  It was a short burst of happiness to see him as a little boy…  lying on my bed letting me scratch his little back when he was five or six years old.  I haven’t seen it again though, and have tried very hard.

Two weeks ago I started a draft of Carson’s favorite things;  I haven’t added to it yet and don’t feel ready to share it just yet either.  Within a week of that I found a sweet list that Boo had made of “Remembering Carson” on her myspace page.  Her list is precious to me, she shares more of Carson with me.  With her permission I am including here:

 

I remember the time we laid in my bed and it was cute because he was so tall his legs kinda went over the side.

I remember the time we passed notes on a napkin in the pizza restaurant trying to guess the gender of the lady beside us…

I remember my first red light I ran on an accident and his words were ” well, are you trying to kill me?! LOL, silly boo”

I remember the time we went shopping for his clothes and I told him I would dress him if he dressed me… AND BOY did he look NICE in tight jeans… oh man his butt was delish. He was so SO SO proud of himself for the outfit he put me in… i mean… I did look good in it

I remember the first time I met his mom… and the first time he met my family

I remember when he wrote on top of my refrigerator with his finger in the dust… he was so tall

I remember going to a coffee shop and sitting for hours and only drinking free water

I remember the first ride in his Supra car

I remember all his stories about wrecking and mean teachers

I remember him rushing off his friends and sometimes even leaving them at his house to come with me somewhere.

I remember the first time going to church with him… and his SNAZZY outfit

I remember our first hug

I remember our first conversation and forgetting his name, but knowing exactly what he looked like and that his name was strong and unique

I remember the night he irritated me… and called and asked if Ace hardware (where i worked at the time) made keys… and that was an OBVIOUS question… he just wanted to talk to me and didn’t know how to go about doing it

I remember the night we talked about gender and how it wasn’t body parts… but a frame of mind.

I remember A LOT OF THINGS
and I never want to forget them… EVER
but I am scared that I might so I feel like I always have to tell people over and over and over to refresh my mind with them.

I remember our last phone conversation.
I remember kissing him for the first time on the cheek in the hospital.
I remember his funeral.

I REMEMBER HIM.

Thank you, Boo,  for this gift you give me.

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