Happy Birthday Grant (soon)

Grant’s 22nd birthday is coming up on April 27… another first without Carson.  I am planning on taking a small group of his friends to a Japanese hibachi-style place on Sunday for an early dinner.  Carson loved going to these places, it’s fun plus the food is good and Carson loved rice and all the meats (he would pick over the vegetables, only eating broccoli).  Grant has always been a fan too, and these are good “group” places to go.  Hope we can pull it all together.

I have slept most of the day today, rising only to barely make a haircut appointment.  I am totally wiped out for the last few days.  I saw my head-doctor on Friday and he is suggesting I start on an anti-depressant, Prozac to be exact, and I do not want to do that at this time.  I have several arguments on why I don’t want to, and will consider his advice over the next month or two, as well as resume seeing my therapist.  The doctor’s argument for starting sooner rather than later is to lessen the plunge, as he feels I am headed for a plunge.  He insists it will not interfere with the grieving process that I must go through but I am not convinced of that just yet.  I feel some of the sleepiness goes back to the thyroid issue too and don’t want the multiple issues to be masked by head medicine.  I am not opposed to these meds when needed, and don’t even feel shame or stigma regarding treatment with these, I just don’t think it’s what I need right now.  I am tired of being tired, I do know that much.

I am struggling through prom and graduation season.  There will be recognition for Carson at the baccalaureate on May 10 and I’m still not sure if I will be able to go or not.  It will have to be under heavy medication if I do go and sitting well in the back of the church.  I probably won’t know if I can go or not until that day comes.  Big Joe’s mom called and has invited me to a brunch at her home on the morning of graduation and I will try to go.  It’s just so hard for me to commit on what I can and cannot do right now.  I have a strong desire to crawl into my bed, pull my covers over my head and stay there from now on.  That is not a realistic thing for me to do but I still very much would prefer to do that as to anything else.

In a few short weeks I will be headed to Baltimore for a visit with my sister;  Grant and Boo are planning on going too.  I am looking forward to that but concerned about having little to no energy.  I’m already trying to think of some other trip to plan beyond that, it’s as if I have to have something to look forward to in order to make it to that date.  I would love to take a month or more and just get in my car and drive cross country. 

The dog is growing on me.  She’s really very sweet and settling down some now.  I did go to obedience class without her last week – she wears me out so I used the teacher’s dog (who is already perfectly trained – sure made it simpler to “teach”).  We practice at home;  she’s very smart but has a ways to go in her training.  She’s a barker, although barking less now.  Still no interaction with the dog and my cats…. cats live in the basement with Grant and are always on “alert”. 

I’m very tired so finishing this up to go stretch out a bit.

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